Living abroad has introduced me to quite a few different men. And while I could say I’ve indulged in one-night stands and my version of 50 Shades of Gray, my serious or casual relationships have always been like biting into a sweet piece of fruit. Satisfying, pleasurable, but ultimately nourishing.
Let’s start with a lust
Does the sex make me feel safe with him? Maybe it’s not just the sex but the small gestures of kindness he often showed before the sex.
But it’s also the sex, too. The more practical side is that we’re being safe by putting a piece of rubber around his pleasure point. But it’s also the safety in the moment. The laughter we share, the random conversations. Then, when our mouths stop exchanging words and tongues begin to mingle, our bodies communicate.
Your hands on my skin make me feel calm. The way you grab my hips lets me know you’re in control, and I can allow you to take the lead. How your teeth sink into the base of my neck, and you know the exact point between pleasure and pain—feeling you inside me in different intensities. And in the end, we fell asleep with our bodies intertwined. Feeling safe when no words were spoken.
That’s where the real sense of safety comes in—falling asleep next to you, knowing that what we shared was just that. There are no further expectations. I know I’ll be gone in the morning before you wake up. And now we’ll do it all over again eventually, with no strings attached.
Do I restrict our relationship by calling us friends with benefits?
The relationship I previously described was a unique one. We established from the beginning with very few words that the relationship was just about sex. Yet he never made me feel like I was someone he would just hit it and quit it. He would make these small gestures of bringing little treats to eat, donuts, muffins, and once a soup.
Yet, I’ve never met his friends, and he never met mine, but I knew if I needed a favor that wasn’t sexual, I could call him.
This relationship was one of the simplest and longest sexual relationships I had. We inconsistently met for about two years. I mostly went to his place; occasionally, he came to mine.
I think what helped keep it simple was we didn’t set expectations. We accepted what was, we accepted what each other had to give. And it was nice to have a sexual relationship about pleasure, friendship, and nothing more.
Things to consider and lessons to be learned
It’s okay to have a simple sexual relationship.
No matter the type of relationship you have with someone, you should always feel safe.
What does safety look like to you, and how does that show up in a relationship?
Not every relationship needs a label, but more so, a common understanding.
What are your takeaways? Feel free to comment on the above questions or just save them for when you need them.
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